Well this is mostly going to be for giving people a link to look at my ever growing collection of pictures, but maybe sometimes I'll have something really wise and inspiring to say. If you want to read some really good thoughts though just look around for Betsy Glover's blog. Maybe someday when I get really experienced with this blog junk I'll put a link to her blog on mine...but as of right now I have absolutely no idea how to do that. Any advice?
The capitals in this blog are wholeheartedly dedicated to the Ankole Mission Team. I love you all.
Well me and Betsy have been here for about four months and I can't believe the time is going that fast. I miss my family and friends so much sometimes that it hurts, but God is taking my hurt and turning it into faith. My faith and love and knowledge of God is growing more everyday I am here. I have always believed in God and I never questioned his existence or even his purpose in my life, but I never knew him. I wish I could put into words what God has become to me in the past few months, but I don't even know where to start. The title of my blog is something that I've wanted to be true for a few years and had become a theme in my life when everything else seemed to be falling apart, but i sure didn't know what that looked like. Express (an amazing a cappella singing group from OVU :) had a song a few years ago and these were the lyrics:
Living Water, would you flow through my pain
Living Water, would you make me whole again
When I have nothing left but God,
I've found God is Enough!
Living Water, Flowing from above
That song still has the ability to make me cry to this day. "when I have nothing left but God, I've found God is enough!" Is that true for you? Is that true for me? I wish it was, but it's something that i still don't have a grasp on. But I believe it is something God has decided I'm ready to begin learning about. He has slowly taken earthly things that were comfortable and secure to me and has made them hard and insecure. He has made see that there is nothing in this world that is secure, even when it seems like there is nothing that could make that something fall. Trust is a huge issue for me and that's why i think this is such a problem in my life...relying on God. I have to trust that when my world crumbles around me God will be the rock I am standing on. Still learning that one...
Another amazing thing happening as a result of getting to know my God better is the freedom I feel. I feel freedom to worship and freedom to make mistakes when I worship. I feel freedom to love those around me and I feel freedom to love God with reckless abandon. When I say that I think of David...don't worry though...I don't even like to dance with my clothes on. But he was so thankful and worshipful (is that a word?) that he took his clothes off and danced through the streets. What in the world?! How was that pleasing to God?! But it was. Because David's heart was bent on praising His God. It doesn't matter how, it matters why. Being able to observe other people in another culture has been such a blessing to me. The way people praise here is so full of spirit and life and freedom. Watching the worship has made me see something lacking in my own worship. It's not an obligation, it's a joy! I can smile and I can dance and I can clap my hands and then raise them in praise. I can dance and I can kneel and I can cry and I can laugh. I am free. God accepts my praise because it's a gift I give with joy. And he accepts my gift because He gave me that gift in the first place.
Right now I'm just sharing my journey. If you don't agree with it or think that I am making mistakes then I am 100 percent sure that you are right. But the difference in my heart now is that I am looking for God's heart, whatever it takes. I say that because my journey is taking me some pretty weird places that I never thought I would be and I would like to share them on here without recieving judgement. I just told Bets that I felt like no one was going to read this and it was fun to just write whatever popped into my head, but right before I was about to share some pretty heavy (for me) things I got the sickening realization that people might actually read this. I would love honestly love some feedback about the things I am about to write, but please know that I'm still a little tender in these areas and I'm searching for the answers. It's probably not a big deal to most of you, but it's still pretty huge for me I guess. At this point I'm thinking fo the DC Talk song "What if I stumble, What if I fall?". I know I will. And I know I'll grow more through stumbling and falling and being caught up in God's arms than I will standing securly in my ignorance.
Ok here it is...I've been thinking a lot about women's roles in the church. I know I know that's a hot one. I think that maybe we have been misinterpreting the Bible some and we're a little stricter than we need to be about the whole "women be silent in the church" thing. I know this is a tough one and I don't have too much to say on it, other than that. I'm questioning it and thinking more and more that God had a whole different plan for his creation and church than the one we have made for ourselves and follow to the letter. I guess it's not just women's roles IN the church, it's bigger than that really. It's the church's role in society in general, cause let's face it...we're not doing the best job loving people like Jesus would. Our churches are not full of the outcasts, if they're full at all. They are full of people who may say they don't have it all together, but really they act like they do. I'm one of those people. I don't tell many people that I've struggled with pornography. Girls aren't supposed to struggle with that...so I hide it. Even now, I want to erase what I just wrote, but then I wouldn't be doing what I'm called as a Christian to do...confess my sins one to...however many read this I guess. Whew. I wasn't planning to write that. Ok, I'm gonna move on before I lose my nerve and erase that.
Another thing that has really been hitting me from all sides is about the first few chapters in Genesis. This one scares me, not because it's faith making or breaking for me...I don't really care if the earth is three kadrillion years old or just thousands. doesn't matter. If God wanted to start the world with a big bang then He did. He is still the creator and it doesn't diminish His power at all. If the Bible isn't talking about 6 literal days I can handle that, but then how much of the Bible is true and literal? Where does the poetry stop and fact begin? And does THAT change my faith? I don't know. This one is tough.
I'm so sorry that I went kinda everywhere here in this first post and that I told my biggest secret on a blog that some of you that I love the most haven't even heard in person. I'm still kinda thinking how ridiculous that is. But...I'm gonna leave it. (I'm convincing myself...)
I love you all. Thanks for listening and not judging...
Here is a link to my Picasa picture site...just click on the picture and then click on "Desarae's Public Gallery" to see the rest. There are a bunch. Please appreciate that each and every picture takes 4 to 5 minutes to upload....
ok soooo I couldn't get the picture to work, but here is a link that hopefully will work...good luck.
http://picasaweb.google.com/desaraejean
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7 comments:
Schmez, I just figured this out. I didn't see the "post a comment" before. So I wrote you on facebook. But just know that you are not alone in this. I too have struggled with pornography before. I am inspired by your honesty. God is going to bring you good things from this. There is much more to say, but read your facebook. I love you.
Glad you finally got a blog. Thanks for sharing and being so honest. God is amazing and working in your life. I agree with you about the Church's role in our society. We pretend to be perfect and that is not what God wants at all. He wants us to be humble and rely on Him and show His love to everyone we see.
Desarae, thanks for your strength. I guess it takes the power of a girl to make us guys stop being ninnies. We hide behind our "leadership roles" so often, thinking that it automatically makes us strong to be an "ordained leader". Really it is the other way around. Your leaders fall out as the ones who are strong and "set an example for the believers in speech, love, life, faith, and purity." Yeah-I'm not one of those leaders yet. I'm still the kind who prefers to throw my weight around. I don't know what I think about women's role in corporate worship, but I do know we way overemphasize the importance of about 6 verses in the NT and kinda forget about the 4 BOOKS at the beginning.
You know what, remeber last year when Denise was the one to speak up and say that she struggled with lust? If she hadn't none of us guys would have, but it was the biggest struggle for ALL of us. Thanks for your example, Des. I think that being up front with our weaknesses can really be a powerful thing for the kingdom. It highlights God's nature and his power. I have and continue to periodically struggle pornography, too. I'm tired of hiding it. I'm thinking that even when I get to grad school and I'm around many people who aren't Christians, I should not be afraid to share that with them, too. I know they'll wonder why I refuse be left alone in a room with the internet, and why should I make up a story? I've been addicted to pornography, just like someone can be addicted to alcohol or cigarrettes. I think people can understand that, and maybe that will give some weight to this whole Christianity thing. I think it gives it some reality.
Thanks Des. Love you lots, and I'm praying for you.
Ok you probably aren't expecting me to comment, but I am going to anyways. Desarae your honesty is so inspiring to me. Thank you for opening your heart and allowing the imperfections to come through. It helps me and old women to become more honest with myself. You are NOT alone in your struggles with pornography. It affects more than you know. There is a line that can be crossed and sometimes that line is very blurry. Maybe if we took steps to be more open and honest with our struggles we would find a "friend" to help pick us up. I know God forgives my sins. It's those around me that I wonder can they forgive my sins. To each of us our sin looks the darkest and most vile. We don't want anyone to see we are weak and struggle like "normal" human beings. Those of us in the church especially we know how to put on our church face and give the answers I'm fine how are you? We need to be more open. I struggle with that more than you know. Keep looking up Desarae as God helps you up. Again thank you for helping me today. I really appreciate you.
Desarae,
Thank you so much for your honesty. Thank you for your brokeness. Africa has a way of doing that doesn't it...something about it - kinda weird. Been there, and done/doing that! It kinda makes you drop back and evaluate everything. When you're worried about the basics: food, shelter, safety...it makes the "doctrinal issues" seem so very tiny. Same as you all that have posted-I have struggled/continue to struggle with porn and lust and just plain filth in my heart. Know that we are praying for you...looking forward to being "neighbors."
desarae... my friend. first of all, thanks for having a blog. this will be really great for your journaling puropses. secondly... what an amazingly beautiful heart you are sharing with the world. i miss being in the presence of your spirit... if that makes sense, because you have such a contagious way to encourage and enliven others. I'm kind of speechless and long to be on this journey of faith with you-- but i have a hunch the same Spirit is working in both of us and teaching us similar things. I put a quote from you on my facebook-- because you're so wise:D You made me think... is there anything that I'm not open about? I feel like there is, but I can't think of anything. Except a song that i learned this summer is a great prayer I pray a lot, and I know God has heard and answered"
"Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life,
to know and follow hard after You.
To know and follow hard after You,
To grow as your disciple in Your Truth.
This world is empty, pale, and poor
compared to knowing you my Lord.
Lead me on, and I will run after You.
Lead me on and I will run after You."
That's my prayer for you too! That our God will lead you on, so you will run after Him"
thanks for sharing your lifesong with me... love you buddy.
sylyb
i'm so proud of you.
I just love people who are willing to THINK.
Thanks for being willing to do that and for inspiring us all!
It is an HONOR to say you are our friend.
ABaker
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