A special thank you goes out to Betsy Ellen Glover. She was my editor-in-chief for this here project. Another thank you goes to Stacy Louise Davies for bringing this beautiful life-altering thingy into my life.
Stacy has tagged me! These are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. (or don't and don't feel any less cool....)
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
Six non-important things about me:
1. I can remember books and movies from early childhood, but would have a hard time answering the question, "what did you do yesterday?" I choose to look at this as a gift.
2. The first thing I do when I get into bed is untuck all the covers so my feet can hang out. And Betsy says that in the morning my bed looks like a tornado has swept through.
3. I have small feet. The Glisson kids here like to wear my shoes when I come over because they fit them. The oldest is 10. My dad says my toes look like fat little sausages.
4. I bought some art in Rwanda that is made from cow poop. It's called dung art. Cow poop.
4.5. A man is giving me a truck when I get back to America. That has been my favorite kind of car for a long time and I'm pumped. Funny part: it's a racing truck.
5. I hate coffee. I promised Betsy that if we met Sara Groves in Africa that I would drink a whole cup with her. Betsy knows how likely that is so she continues to ask everyday if I would like some coffee. The answer is pretty much always gonna be no.
5.5. My power goes out so often that I have the local power company on speed dial and I have my favorite phone attendants and get excited when I get them instead of someone else.
6. I have never had a boyfriend, but I have had more marriage proposals than anyone I else I know, besides Betsy.
Mar 19, 2008
Jan 19, 2008
Value of Discomfort
This stemmed from a conversation last week with Jessica Sloan and Betsy Glover. Thanks for keeping me growing.
Well I've now been living in Uganda for 7 and a half months. That's ridiculous. I'll be home in three and a half months. Thinking about going home brings lots of different emotions up inside of me. Mostly I get really excited about the family, friends, and food. :) But then there is a part of me that is worried and really starts to hurt. I hurt because I will miss this place. I'm worried because I've been changed here. I'm not the person I was when I came. How will I fit back into the life I used to know? Will I just fit right back in like I never changed? Will I be so different that I can't relate to people around me? I'm not stressing about it, but it is something that I am praying about. Staying true to what I've learned about God and myself without being obnoxious in telling people what I've learned and that they should maybe start learning that too.
OK, that had nothing to do with the conversation, that's just what I've been feeling lately so I wanted to share. Our conversation was about the differences in the ways people handle things. We talked about stress a little and then we talked about comfort and how some people need to feel comfortable. This implied that some people don't need to feel comfortable. While this is true and people handle uncomfortble situations very differently, I think that most people would prefer to feel comfort in most situations. I'm not sure I would ever choose to be uncomfortable if you gave me a choice. At first glance, if you asked me if I wanted to live in the perfect environment and always be the perfect temperature I would jump at that! But, as I think about it, I would miss so much more than I would gain. Riding in a car with the windows down, feeling the cooling breeze on a hot day, sleeping in a tent when it's too hot and knowing there is not shower coming tomorrow, feeling that feeling of sweaty satisfaction after a good workout, snow and all that goes with that, but especially hot chocolate after a fun morning of sledding, taking your breath away by diving into a cold pool on a hot day without testing the water temperature first, sitting outside on a porch at sunset and the cold night air making you a little cold so you go put on a hoodie sweatshirt.
So many things just from that simple example. Maybe a stupid example, but it kind of describes my experience here, except that I was experiencing all of these things for the first time so it was more of a shock at the beginning. But, after being here, these uncomfortable situations are like old friends. Being asked last minute (like in the middle of the devo) if I have a thought prepared has become a time of deep communion with God and His Spirit as they lead my thoughts. Times of miscommunication with my friends here become times of laughter and sharing deeply in one another's lives and cultures. When people stop by at all times of the day just to chat has become another way of ministering to people here, and in return, I am filled. Sometimes it's not always fun. Sometimes it makes me tired. Sometimes it makes me want my comforts that I left behind. But always, it makes me appreciate what I am learning and slowly slowly becomes what I am living for here. I have to admit and say that marriage proposals from random ugandans will not make the list of awkward situations I'm learning to enjoy. I've had two in the last week. One was over the phone. Did he honestly think I was going to say yes?! Goodness. I just felt the need to be honest and let you know that everything here is not perfect, but it sure does make for some funny times later when me and Bets debreif on the day.
"How was your day?"
"Fine. Got a proposal again today. You?"
"Me too! It was Jacob." (name changed to protect the idiot.)
"Cool. Jacob asked me to marry him last week."
"Well, that's just insulting."
"Yea. Sloppy seconds."
So, very funny later, but very awful at the time.
All that to say that I am learning to be okay in situations that may seem at first to be strange and foreign. It's ok to feel at a loss. It's fine if I'm scared or nervous. It's okay if people laugh at me. I don't need to be worried if I don't understand the first time. When I feel backed into a corner is the time that God can come out and show His power. He is strong when I am weak. And the other side is true also. When I am strong, He is weak. At least in my life. The way I can give him more room to work is to EMBRACE the uncomfortable, unstable, hard, worrisome, ridiculous, hopeless, and dreary situations that come up in this life. That takes trust. That's a whole nother issue in my life. Trust, for me, usually means uncomfortable.
That is the value of discomfort.
Well I've now been living in Uganda for 7 and a half months. That's ridiculous. I'll be home in three and a half months. Thinking about going home brings lots of different emotions up inside of me. Mostly I get really excited about the family, friends, and food. :) But then there is a part of me that is worried and really starts to hurt. I hurt because I will miss this place. I'm worried because I've been changed here. I'm not the person I was when I came. How will I fit back into the life I used to know? Will I just fit right back in like I never changed? Will I be so different that I can't relate to people around me? I'm not stressing about it, but it is something that I am praying about. Staying true to what I've learned about God and myself without being obnoxious in telling people what I've learned and that they should maybe start learning that too.
OK, that had nothing to do with the conversation, that's just what I've been feeling lately so I wanted to share. Our conversation was about the differences in the ways people handle things. We talked about stress a little and then we talked about comfort and how some people need to feel comfortable. This implied that some people don't need to feel comfortable. While this is true and people handle uncomfortble situations very differently, I think that most people would prefer to feel comfort in most situations. I'm not sure I would ever choose to be uncomfortable if you gave me a choice. At first glance, if you asked me if I wanted to live in the perfect environment and always be the perfect temperature I would jump at that! But, as I think about it, I would miss so much more than I would gain. Riding in a car with the windows down, feeling the cooling breeze on a hot day, sleeping in a tent when it's too hot and knowing there is not shower coming tomorrow, feeling that feeling of sweaty satisfaction after a good workout, snow and all that goes with that, but especially hot chocolate after a fun morning of sledding, taking your breath away by diving into a cold pool on a hot day without testing the water temperature first, sitting outside on a porch at sunset and the cold night air making you a little cold so you go put on a hoodie sweatshirt.
So many things just from that simple example. Maybe a stupid example, but it kind of describes my experience here, except that I was experiencing all of these things for the first time so it was more of a shock at the beginning. But, after being here, these uncomfortable situations are like old friends. Being asked last minute (like in the middle of the devo) if I have a thought prepared has become a time of deep communion with God and His Spirit as they lead my thoughts. Times of miscommunication with my friends here become times of laughter and sharing deeply in one another's lives and cultures. When people stop by at all times of the day just to chat has become another way of ministering to people here, and in return, I am filled. Sometimes it's not always fun. Sometimes it makes me tired. Sometimes it makes me want my comforts that I left behind. But always, it makes me appreciate what I am learning and slowly slowly becomes what I am living for here. I have to admit and say that marriage proposals from random ugandans will not make the list of awkward situations I'm learning to enjoy. I've had two in the last week. One was over the phone. Did he honestly think I was going to say yes?! Goodness. I just felt the need to be honest and let you know that everything here is not perfect, but it sure does make for some funny times later when me and Bets debreif on the day.
"How was your day?"
"Fine. Got a proposal again today. You?"
"Me too! It was Jacob." (name changed to protect the idiot.)
"Cool. Jacob asked me to marry him last week."
"Well, that's just insulting."
"Yea. Sloppy seconds."
So, very funny later, but very awful at the time.
All that to say that I am learning to be okay in situations that may seem at first to be strange and foreign. It's ok to feel at a loss. It's fine if I'm scared or nervous. It's okay if people laugh at me. I don't need to be worried if I don't understand the first time. When I feel backed into a corner is the time that God can come out and show His power. He is strong when I am weak. And the other side is true also. When I am strong, He is weak. At least in my life. The way I can give him more room to work is to EMBRACE the uncomfortable, unstable, hard, worrisome, ridiculous, hopeless, and dreary situations that come up in this life. That takes trust. That's a whole nother issue in my life. Trust, for me, usually means uncomfortable.
That is the value of discomfort.
Nov 28, 2007
Coat off my back?
Vocab:
bota-bota - n. a small motorcycle/mo-ped that can be hired for a mere 30 cents to take us from town to home. We ride side-saddle (cause we're in skirts) and try not to touch the driver too much cause that's just awkward :) We ride them all the time.
Bishop Stuart - n. a university just outside of town. it costs 60 cents to take a bota-bota out there. Me and Bets go out there every other Tuesday for a Bible study.
Ok so that was mostly just a for fun thing, but they're good things to know. :)
On Tuesday me and Bets were out at Bishop Stuart soaking up some awesome worship (this is always a highlight both of us, even though we're always expected to share an encouraging thought every week...that kinda caught us by surprise the first few weeks!) and it started to look like rain so the girls gave us a little "push" and walked us down to the gate. It's much harder to catch a boda-boda out by the university because there are less people and so they don't come out there as often. In town there will be at least 6 all over you shouting to get your business. So anyway, we always have to walk a little ways to find one and then one of us hops on and the other keeps walking till they find one. I got the short straw that day and so Bets got the first one we saw and I started trying to convince the driver's to take me...no one wanted to drive in the rain. Finally one drove by and it was very obvious that he had already driven through A LOT of rain. He was soaking wet. His shirt was dripping, it was so wet! I flagged him down and told him where i wanted to go. He looked at me wearily and quoted a price that was obviously cheating me (white skin drives the price up sometimes) but he was the only one willing to take me and I felt bad for him cause he looked like he was having a hard day, so I agreed to his price. Then something happened that absolutely shocked me. A man walked over and gave my driver the coat off his back! They didn't speak or even really look at each other except for the mumbled "thank you" from my driver. On the 10 minute ride back into town I also saw a brother take off his sweater and give it a younger sibling who didn't have one, and an young man take off his hat and give it to an old lame man who was walking through the rain. I was amazed by the generosity of those around me. In America, would someone give someone else their umbrella when both people obviously need it? Not many. I saw the man that gave the coat walk off after giving it away, he headed down a dirt path away from all the buildings and shelters. He gave away something that he himself still "needed". What is it about these people who have nothing, that can give when they see a need in someone else? What is it in me that feels the need to hoard my "stuff"? People here would literally give me the shirt off their back if i needed it. I'm convicted, but still a part of my selfishness holds on. Just today, one day after witnessing such generosity, we were approached by a man that did more than hint that he wanted some money. This man is a friend who has had us in his home and served us and called us his daughters. His father died and he was left with debts because of that. While he was telling us this I was thankful that I didn't have any money with me. Thankful! What in the world?? He was sharing his hurt and his burdens and all i could think of was that this culture is so weird that people have no shame and ask for money all the time.
Satan is so good at using my culture against me. Even after I have been here and seen hospitality and generosity on a new level, I'm still caught in my selfish attitudes and live like all my stuff is MINE. I'm writing this so that maybe it will help me to remember that everything I have belongs to everyone around me. It's not any more mine than it is yours. There is no room for my selfishness in God's kingdom. I have more than enough and surely more than I will ever need. It's not enough for me to see poverty or need and say "I wish that there was no poverty in the world". What makes me think that I deserve to live like I do? Because I work hard? Uh, no. Compared to a lot of the people here...I don't even know what hard work is.
"I want to live like Jesus". It's not enough for me to SAY that either. I need to start living like I believe that is the better way to live. And live that way with the confidence that I can't do it on my own.
I'm leading Bible study in our home tonight. Such a simple statement that makes me excited and scared at the same time. Scared, because I do things like I did today and live for myself rather than my Lord. Also scared because I'm actually doing it...I'm living out my faith and leading a Bible study! This is my joy and my passion and I'm actually doing it and not just talking about it! Talking about God to others forces me to be sure. I have to be sure that what I'm saying is truth or I'm just talking about nothing. I have to be sure God will join us here tonight and take my awful attempt at teaching and let people understand His words a little better than they did before. I have to be sure. "Father, I believe. Help my unbelief!"
bota-bota - n. a small motorcycle/mo-ped that can be hired for a mere 30 cents to take us from town to home. We ride side-saddle (cause we're in skirts) and try not to touch the driver too much cause that's just awkward :) We ride them all the time.
Bishop Stuart - n. a university just outside of town. it costs 60 cents to take a bota-bota out there. Me and Bets go out there every other Tuesday for a Bible study.
Ok so that was mostly just a for fun thing, but they're good things to know. :)
On Tuesday me and Bets were out at Bishop Stuart soaking up some awesome worship (this is always a highlight both of us, even though we're always expected to share an encouraging thought every week...that kinda caught us by surprise the first few weeks!) and it started to look like rain so the girls gave us a little "push" and walked us down to the gate. It's much harder to catch a boda-boda out by the university because there are less people and so they don't come out there as often. In town there will be at least 6 all over you shouting to get your business. So anyway, we always have to walk a little ways to find one and then one of us hops on and the other keeps walking till they find one. I got the short straw that day and so Bets got the first one we saw and I started trying to convince the driver's to take me...no one wanted to drive in the rain. Finally one drove by and it was very obvious that he had already driven through A LOT of rain. He was soaking wet. His shirt was dripping, it was so wet! I flagged him down and told him where i wanted to go. He looked at me wearily and quoted a price that was obviously cheating me (white skin drives the price up sometimes) but he was the only one willing to take me and I felt bad for him cause he looked like he was having a hard day, so I agreed to his price. Then something happened that absolutely shocked me. A man walked over and gave my driver the coat off his back! They didn't speak or even really look at each other except for the mumbled "thank you" from my driver. On the 10 minute ride back into town I also saw a brother take off his sweater and give it a younger sibling who didn't have one, and an young man take off his hat and give it to an old lame man who was walking through the rain. I was amazed by the generosity of those around me. In America, would someone give someone else their umbrella when both people obviously need it? Not many. I saw the man that gave the coat walk off after giving it away, he headed down a dirt path away from all the buildings and shelters. He gave away something that he himself still "needed". What is it about these people who have nothing, that can give when they see a need in someone else? What is it in me that feels the need to hoard my "stuff"? People here would literally give me the shirt off their back if i needed it. I'm convicted, but still a part of my selfishness holds on. Just today, one day after witnessing such generosity, we were approached by a man that did more than hint that he wanted some money. This man is a friend who has had us in his home and served us and called us his daughters. His father died and he was left with debts because of that. While he was telling us this I was thankful that I didn't have any money with me. Thankful! What in the world?? He was sharing his hurt and his burdens and all i could think of was that this culture is so weird that people have no shame and ask for money all the time.
Satan is so good at using my culture against me. Even after I have been here and seen hospitality and generosity on a new level, I'm still caught in my selfish attitudes and live like all my stuff is MINE. I'm writing this so that maybe it will help me to remember that everything I have belongs to everyone around me. It's not any more mine than it is yours. There is no room for my selfishness in God's kingdom. I have more than enough and surely more than I will ever need. It's not enough for me to see poverty or need and say "I wish that there was no poverty in the world". What makes me think that I deserve to live like I do? Because I work hard? Uh, no. Compared to a lot of the people here...I don't even know what hard work is.
"I want to live like Jesus". It's not enough for me to SAY that either. I need to start living like I believe that is the better way to live. And live that way with the confidence that I can't do it on my own.
I'm leading Bible study in our home tonight. Such a simple statement that makes me excited and scared at the same time. Scared, because I do things like I did today and live for myself rather than my Lord. Also scared because I'm actually doing it...I'm living out my faith and leading a Bible study! This is my joy and my passion and I'm actually doing it and not just talking about it! Talking about God to others forces me to be sure. I have to be sure that what I'm saying is truth or I'm just talking about nothing. I have to be sure God will join us here tonight and take my awful attempt at teaching and let people understand His words a little better than they did before. I have to be sure. "Father, I believe. Help my unbelief!"
Oct 14, 2007
How do I share?
I just got back from Rwanda. I don't know where to start, but I'm going to say that I saw gruesome things, and I'm going to share those things in detail because I was very affected by them and hopefully you can see a glimpse of what I saw. It's not pretty. I had very vivid nightmares and this is going to be pretty graphic I think. It's not going to be funny at all and it's not going to make you feel good. Please feel free to not read it, it was good for me to write.
We were in Kigali, the capital, staying with Amanda Moore and her roomates which was really awesome. It was amazing to hang out with really fun girls our age and laugh and play and eat :) It almost felt like we were in America and at times it was a little overstimulating cause I haven't been around that many white people in a loooong time...it was really fun!
While we were there we went to some genocide memorial cites and the memorial museum in the city. We went to the museum first and it was almost surreal, but was nothing compared to the churches we went to later. It was hard though. There was first a little walk around place that told the history of the Rwandan genocide that happened 14 years ago. There were pictures and captions and there were short videos with personal stories that made it real. Many things were hard about this, seeing the people that were my age speak about their families that were gone. One that really got to me was a girl, maybe a little older than me, talking about her little sisters and how she watched men carry them and throw them, alive, into a latrine. She talked about hearing "the last born" crying. I'm crying now, and I was then. It made it so real to think about my family and my sisters and it WAS real. There was another story about a girl who was walking around in a daze, surrounded by the bodies of her neighbors and she saw a small child breastfeeding herself on her dead mother. Again, the girl was around my age. It's hard even now to think about now. It's just so heavy. What humanity is capable of. One Million People died in 100 days. I cannot get my mind about how many people that is.
There was another part of the museum that was especially hard. It was the children's section. It had pictures with the names ages and likes and dislikes and how they were killed. Like, Angela Age: 3 Favorite Food: Mother's milk Was very talkitive and happy child. Cause of Death: smashed against a wall. Or, Alman Age: 7 Loved: riding bikes and playing football. Cause of Death: Clubbed.
It was aweful. There were about 20 of those. Some were shot, some were beaten, one was tortured, some were killed with a machete. All of them were under 13. Some died in their dead parents arms. Some watched their parents die before they did. As you walk through and read about these kids you think, "how could someone look these kids in the face and then continue to brutalize them?" How could they?? But this was not the first time this has ever happened in our world. Another part of the museum had a section for every other genocide that has taken place as far as we know. One happened a YEAR after Rwanda. The Holocaust, Cambodia, Armenia, The Balkan Islands, and many more. It was hard being an American walking through this museum because our country knew what was going on and did nothing. I know there is more to politics than I understand, but seeing this kind of devastation and knowing that the "Land of the Brave" did nothing to try and stop it made me sick.
I feel like I'm in mourning. Remember 9-11? I feel like I did then. Devastated.
Guys, this was not even the worst of it. There were bones at the museum, but they were all underground in mass graves or behind glass. Sterile. Clean. Covered with purple, the color of mourning. Then we went to two churches (people fled to churches thinking they would be havens, many priests gave up thousands to save their own lives). The first church we went to was the site of 5,000 deaths. I don't even know how that many people fit in this facility, but the bones and clothes and shoes were there to prove it to me. There were grenade holes in the sides of one of the buildings (there were three buildings on the compound) and as you walked in you saw shelves of skulls lined up, close enough to touch. In fact, the lady that was working there, who was a survivor of that site, picked up one very small skull and said one word...infant. The people's clothes were hanging from the rafters and gave the place an eerie feel. There was a pile for shoes, there was a pile for belongings and things people brought with them...things of survival, like food and water and a strainer to make tea. And comfort things, like pipes and mirrors and a pair or hair cutting scissors. Looking at the skulls and trying to make them people was hard, until i saw a spike stiking out of one. And then a bullet hole in another. And then one that was smashed into something almost unrecognizable. One with a hammer sized hole. One with a six inch machete gash...in the bone. Then it was real. The ones that did not have visible injuries were almost worse though. Those people were burned alive. I don't know how the survivor lady works there everyday. She was 10 when the genocide happened...she is a year older than me.
We went to one more church. The site of 10,000 deaths. Here they had built catecombs underground and we went into them. It was creepy. There was a space about a foot and a half wide and you walked through floor-to-ceiling shelves of bones. Inches from your face. I couldn't make myself go all the way in. This happened at a church. I couldn't get over it. Someone had hung a cross necklace on one of the shelves in front of a shelf of skulls. How ironic is that? These were God's people. These were families. This was me if I was born in a different country. It was overwhelming.
It was such a struggle to walk the streets of Kigali and think "I wonder how many people I see have murdered. Who is a Hutu? Who is a Tutsi? What is her story...the lady with no legs? How did that man get that scar on his face? When these people look at me do they see inaction?" But on the other extreme...I didn't even think about the genocide on the entire 4 hour ride there because Rwanda is beautiful and I was soaking it all in. It's called the land of a thousand hills and it is non-stop beauty. I didn't think about it until a new friend we made on the bus said, "that river was clogged with bodies", and "the man who owns that building brought in many of the machetes used in the genocide". This place of beauty was once grounds of one of the worst events in world history. Funny, how you can't tell from looking. It's normal. It's everyday. People work, go to school, eat ice cream, and ride taxis to the market. It's life for them. But there is not one person in Rwanda that doesn't have a story. Everyone was affected and not one person has had a "normal" life. Yet, life goes on. Not perfect, not good, but it goes on.
I have a new appreciation for life. I have a new appreciation for the sanctity of everyone's life. I am not an American first. I am a Christian first. My brothers and sisters died in mass genocide and the place I am proud to call my home ignored them. How can I be proud of my heritage when it doesn't care about the people God cares about? I saw a bumper sticker "God bless Rwanda" and it made me think of the millions of places I have seen "God bless America". We are one people and we are one world that has one goal and one job. We are one creation and we share with each other in all we do. Our actions affect the whole of creation. We are not superior. We are not blessed because of how great we are. We should not even be a "we". We belong to God and we are all God's children. We are killing our brothers and sister in Iraq, why? because they started it and killed us first. (I realize that is oversimplified) We kill God's people and destroy His creation that He loves and then we ask for God to bless us. That is weird. I wonder if God ever gets ticked at us and wishes he never created rainbows. Where would be without rainbows?
What I saw this weekend was overwhelming and I don't really know how to handle what I saw. I had nighmares. I was angry, even at myself. I was scared. I cried. And I'm sorry.
God is my God and He is good. Heaven will be the restoration I long for. Until then i will have nighmares and be angry and scared and sorry, and I'll cry. For the first time in my life I can say honestly...Jesus come today! He will make all things new.
We were in Kigali, the capital, staying with Amanda Moore and her roomates which was really awesome. It was amazing to hang out with really fun girls our age and laugh and play and eat :) It almost felt like we were in America and at times it was a little overstimulating cause I haven't been around that many white people in a loooong time...it was really fun!
While we were there we went to some genocide memorial cites and the memorial museum in the city. We went to the museum first and it was almost surreal, but was nothing compared to the churches we went to later. It was hard though. There was first a little walk around place that told the history of the Rwandan genocide that happened 14 years ago. There were pictures and captions and there were short videos with personal stories that made it real. Many things were hard about this, seeing the people that were my age speak about their families that were gone. One that really got to me was a girl, maybe a little older than me, talking about her little sisters and how she watched men carry them and throw them, alive, into a latrine. She talked about hearing "the last born" crying. I'm crying now, and I was then. It made it so real to think about my family and my sisters and it WAS real. There was another story about a girl who was walking around in a daze, surrounded by the bodies of her neighbors and she saw a small child breastfeeding herself on her dead mother. Again, the girl was around my age. It's hard even now to think about now. It's just so heavy. What humanity is capable of. One Million People died in 100 days. I cannot get my mind about how many people that is.
There was another part of the museum that was especially hard. It was the children's section. It had pictures with the names ages and likes and dislikes and how they were killed. Like, Angela Age: 3 Favorite Food: Mother's milk Was very talkitive and happy child. Cause of Death: smashed against a wall. Or, Alman Age: 7 Loved: riding bikes and playing football. Cause of Death: Clubbed.
It was aweful. There were about 20 of those. Some were shot, some were beaten, one was tortured, some were killed with a machete. All of them were under 13. Some died in their dead parents arms. Some watched their parents die before they did. As you walk through and read about these kids you think, "how could someone look these kids in the face and then continue to brutalize them?" How could they?? But this was not the first time this has ever happened in our world. Another part of the museum had a section for every other genocide that has taken place as far as we know. One happened a YEAR after Rwanda. The Holocaust, Cambodia, Armenia, The Balkan Islands, and many more. It was hard being an American walking through this museum because our country knew what was going on and did nothing. I know there is more to politics than I understand, but seeing this kind of devastation and knowing that the "Land of the Brave" did nothing to try and stop it made me sick.
I feel like I'm in mourning. Remember 9-11? I feel like I did then. Devastated.
Guys, this was not even the worst of it. There were bones at the museum, but they were all underground in mass graves or behind glass. Sterile. Clean. Covered with purple, the color of mourning. Then we went to two churches (people fled to churches thinking they would be havens, many priests gave up thousands to save their own lives). The first church we went to was the site of 5,000 deaths. I don't even know how that many people fit in this facility, but the bones and clothes and shoes were there to prove it to me. There were grenade holes in the sides of one of the buildings (there were three buildings on the compound) and as you walked in you saw shelves of skulls lined up, close enough to touch. In fact, the lady that was working there, who was a survivor of that site, picked up one very small skull and said one word...infant. The people's clothes were hanging from the rafters and gave the place an eerie feel. There was a pile for shoes, there was a pile for belongings and things people brought with them...things of survival, like food and water and a strainer to make tea. And comfort things, like pipes and mirrors and a pair or hair cutting scissors. Looking at the skulls and trying to make them people was hard, until i saw a spike stiking out of one. And then a bullet hole in another. And then one that was smashed into something almost unrecognizable. One with a hammer sized hole. One with a six inch machete gash...in the bone. Then it was real. The ones that did not have visible injuries were almost worse though. Those people were burned alive. I don't know how the survivor lady works there everyday. She was 10 when the genocide happened...she is a year older than me.
We went to one more church. The site of 10,000 deaths. Here they had built catecombs underground and we went into them. It was creepy. There was a space about a foot and a half wide and you walked through floor-to-ceiling shelves of bones. Inches from your face. I couldn't make myself go all the way in. This happened at a church. I couldn't get over it. Someone had hung a cross necklace on one of the shelves in front of a shelf of skulls. How ironic is that? These were God's people. These were families. This was me if I was born in a different country. It was overwhelming.
It was such a struggle to walk the streets of Kigali and think "I wonder how many people I see have murdered. Who is a Hutu? Who is a Tutsi? What is her story...the lady with no legs? How did that man get that scar on his face? When these people look at me do they see inaction?" But on the other extreme...I didn't even think about the genocide on the entire 4 hour ride there because Rwanda is beautiful and I was soaking it all in. It's called the land of a thousand hills and it is non-stop beauty. I didn't think about it until a new friend we made on the bus said, "that river was clogged with bodies", and "the man who owns that building brought in many of the machetes used in the genocide". This place of beauty was once grounds of one of the worst events in world history. Funny, how you can't tell from looking. It's normal. It's everyday. People work, go to school, eat ice cream, and ride taxis to the market. It's life for them. But there is not one person in Rwanda that doesn't have a story. Everyone was affected and not one person has had a "normal" life. Yet, life goes on. Not perfect, not good, but it goes on.
I have a new appreciation for life. I have a new appreciation for the sanctity of everyone's life. I am not an American first. I am a Christian first. My brothers and sisters died in mass genocide and the place I am proud to call my home ignored them. How can I be proud of my heritage when it doesn't care about the people God cares about? I saw a bumper sticker "God bless Rwanda" and it made me think of the millions of places I have seen "God bless America". We are one people and we are one world that has one goal and one job. We are one creation and we share with each other in all we do. Our actions affect the whole of creation. We are not superior. We are not blessed because of how great we are. We should not even be a "we". We belong to God and we are all God's children. We are killing our brothers and sister in Iraq, why? because they started it and killed us first. (I realize that is oversimplified) We kill God's people and destroy His creation that He loves and then we ask for God to bless us. That is weird. I wonder if God ever gets ticked at us and wishes he never created rainbows. Where would be without rainbows?
What I saw this weekend was overwhelming and I don't really know how to handle what I saw. I had nighmares. I was angry, even at myself. I was scared. I cried. And I'm sorry.
God is my God and He is good. Heaven will be the restoration I long for. Until then i will have nighmares and be angry and scared and sorry, and I'll cry. For the first time in my life I can say honestly...Jesus come today! He will make all things new.
Oct 6, 2007
More Changing
For those of you who don't know, me and Bets just got back from Maasai Mara, Kenya. It was an amazing experience and those of you who get my emails can read all about the animals we saw and the cool things we got to experience. I don't know what I'm going to write about on here yet exactly, but I'm just going to type and see what comes to me...could be lots of random places :)
To get to the game park we had to drive 6 hours on some of the worst roads I have ever been on in my entire life, check that, THE worst roads I've ever been on. For example, one time we hit a pothole so hard that i flew out of my seat, with my seatbelt on. And our driver turned around and said, "is everyone ok?" It was intense. We drove through the Great Rift Valley though and that was awesome. We were just driving along and all of the sudden we rounded a corner and in front of us was the Valley. We stopped and took pictures and it was just beautiful. Then we started driving down into the valley. The road was terrible. And combine that with crazy African drivers and you really have a mess. God took care of us and we made it down safely. The road is very steep and twisty and turny the whole way and when people here are behind a slow car they just pass it. Bad idea on a twisty, turny road. Our guide told us about a tour guide and 4 tourists that had been killed on that road just two days before. It wasn't hard to see how that would be very possible. Well on the way back up we saw a wreck. It was bad. There was a big truck and a little truck and a body in the middle of the road. We don't know how it happened, but it looked like a head on collision and the guy that was in the little truck was thrown out and he was dead. It was aweful. The police were there and everything seemed to be under control, but the body was still just lying under the big truck. I've never seen a dead body like that before. I don't understand why no one thought to cover him up or try and take care of him. And it was amazing to think that that could have been anybody, and it could have been us. The combined stories of the tourists who died last Sunday and seeing this man made me think a lot about that happening to us. In America on steep roads that big trucks drive on a lot they have those sand trap things in case their breaks go out...well there was nothing like that, so if the breaks went out...nothing anyone could do. I was very thankful to come out of that situation alive. It made me really start reflecting about my life and goals and things that you do when you feel like you've had a near death experience I guess.
Overall, the whole trip was very reflective. There were many times in the truck when we were just driving around looking for animals and had nothing to do but think and pray. I was very thankful for Bets cause she is one who can sit in silence and it's not uncomfortable. There were hours at a time when we would be standing with the wind blowing in our faces (the vehicle had a pop-top so we could look out) and we would both just be quiet. Lots of times I was telling God that He made some really awesome stuff and lots of times I was thanking Him for lots of you guys. And lots of times I was praying about my relationship with God and how that is growing and changing to be more of what it needs to be. I want to thank everyone who commented on my blog last time, it was all very encouraging. That was nice. I do need to confess though that most of that blog was written with the wrong motivation. I wrote it to get a pat on the back. I wrote it cause I knew that many people respect someone who questions. All of those things are good and true in my life, but it shouldn't matter to me what you guys think. I was so encouraged by your words of affirmation and none of that was false or itself bad, but my need for that is what is wrong. I am searching and growing and learning, but I shouldn't be looking to people for the affirmation of what I believe, I should be looking to God. I'm sorry for that. Carrie, I never understood that time sophomore year when you were questioning your motivations for everything you did. I do now though. I realize that my motivations for most things are all based on other people and not on God. The things I do are for the praise and acceptance I get from the people I care about. I don't know exactly how to go about changing that except to just try and be aware and focus my thoughts on what is pleasing to God.
I've been reading this book called "The Signature of Jesus" by Brennan Manning and there is a quote that i really like. I've adapted it though. I'll let you know where. "The church will respect us if we court it,and it will respect us even more if we reject it in distain or anger; but it will hate us if we simply take no notice of its priorities or what it thinks of us." Brennan really is talking about the world, but i thought that the church kinda fit ok too. There is something about people who intelligently disagree with the church that is admirable. People can respect that. And I don't want to want that respect from my peers. I want to want God's respect and do whatever it takes to be pleasing to Him. Like my mom says sometimes, I want to make God smile.
So that's it for now. No more thoughts in my head. I'll put up some pictures soon...maybe.
To get to the game park we had to drive 6 hours on some of the worst roads I have ever been on in my entire life, check that, THE worst roads I've ever been on. For example, one time we hit a pothole so hard that i flew out of my seat, with my seatbelt on. And our driver turned around and said, "is everyone ok?" It was intense. We drove through the Great Rift Valley though and that was awesome. We were just driving along and all of the sudden we rounded a corner and in front of us was the Valley. We stopped and took pictures and it was just beautiful. Then we started driving down into the valley. The road was terrible. And combine that with crazy African drivers and you really have a mess. God took care of us and we made it down safely. The road is very steep and twisty and turny the whole way and when people here are behind a slow car they just pass it. Bad idea on a twisty, turny road. Our guide told us about a tour guide and 4 tourists that had been killed on that road just two days before. It wasn't hard to see how that would be very possible. Well on the way back up we saw a wreck. It was bad. There was a big truck and a little truck and a body in the middle of the road. We don't know how it happened, but it looked like a head on collision and the guy that was in the little truck was thrown out and he was dead. It was aweful. The police were there and everything seemed to be under control, but the body was still just lying under the big truck. I've never seen a dead body like that before. I don't understand why no one thought to cover him up or try and take care of him. And it was amazing to think that that could have been anybody, and it could have been us. The combined stories of the tourists who died last Sunday and seeing this man made me think a lot about that happening to us. In America on steep roads that big trucks drive on a lot they have those sand trap things in case their breaks go out...well there was nothing like that, so if the breaks went out...nothing anyone could do. I was very thankful to come out of that situation alive. It made me really start reflecting about my life and goals and things that you do when you feel like you've had a near death experience I guess.
Overall, the whole trip was very reflective. There were many times in the truck when we were just driving around looking for animals and had nothing to do but think and pray. I was very thankful for Bets cause she is one who can sit in silence and it's not uncomfortable. There were hours at a time when we would be standing with the wind blowing in our faces (the vehicle had a pop-top so we could look out) and we would both just be quiet. Lots of times I was telling God that He made some really awesome stuff and lots of times I was thanking Him for lots of you guys. And lots of times I was praying about my relationship with God and how that is growing and changing to be more of what it needs to be. I want to thank everyone who commented on my blog last time, it was all very encouraging. That was nice. I do need to confess though that most of that blog was written with the wrong motivation. I wrote it to get a pat on the back. I wrote it cause I knew that many people respect someone who questions. All of those things are good and true in my life, but it shouldn't matter to me what you guys think. I was so encouraged by your words of affirmation and none of that was false or itself bad, but my need for that is what is wrong. I am searching and growing and learning, but I shouldn't be looking to people for the affirmation of what I believe, I should be looking to God. I'm sorry for that. Carrie, I never understood that time sophomore year when you were questioning your motivations for everything you did. I do now though. I realize that my motivations for most things are all based on other people and not on God. The things I do are for the praise and acceptance I get from the people I care about. I don't know exactly how to go about changing that except to just try and be aware and focus my thoughts on what is pleasing to God.
I've been reading this book called "The Signature of Jesus" by Brennan Manning and there is a quote that i really like. I've adapted it though. I'll let you know where. "The church will respect us if we court it,and it will respect us even more if we reject it in distain or anger; but it will hate us if we simply take no notice of its priorities or what it thinks of us." Brennan really is talking about the world, but i thought that the church kinda fit ok too. There is something about people who intelligently disagree with the church that is admirable. People can respect that. And I don't want to want that respect from my peers. I want to want God's respect and do whatever it takes to be pleasing to Him. Like my mom says sometimes, I want to make God smile.
So that's it for now. No more thoughts in my head. I'll put up some pictures soon...maybe.
Sep 15, 2007
This is a lot longer and a lot deeper than I thought it was going to be...
Well this is mostly going to be for giving people a link to look at my ever growing collection of pictures, but maybe sometimes I'll have something really wise and inspiring to say. If you want to read some really good thoughts though just look around for Betsy Glover's blog. Maybe someday when I get really experienced with this blog junk I'll put a link to her blog on mine...but as of right now I have absolutely no idea how to do that. Any advice?
The capitals in this blog are wholeheartedly dedicated to the Ankole Mission Team. I love you all.
Well me and Betsy have been here for about four months and I can't believe the time is going that fast. I miss my family and friends so much sometimes that it hurts, but God is taking my hurt and turning it into faith. My faith and love and knowledge of God is growing more everyday I am here. I have always believed in God and I never questioned his existence or even his purpose in my life, but I never knew him. I wish I could put into words what God has become to me in the past few months, but I don't even know where to start. The title of my blog is something that I've wanted to be true for a few years and had become a theme in my life when everything else seemed to be falling apart, but i sure didn't know what that looked like. Express (an amazing a cappella singing group from OVU :) had a song a few years ago and these were the lyrics:
Living Water, would you flow through my pain
Living Water, would you make me whole again
When I have nothing left but God,
I've found God is Enough!
Living Water, Flowing from above
That song still has the ability to make me cry to this day. "when I have nothing left but God, I've found God is enough!" Is that true for you? Is that true for me? I wish it was, but it's something that i still don't have a grasp on. But I believe it is something God has decided I'm ready to begin learning about. He has slowly taken earthly things that were comfortable and secure to me and has made them hard and insecure. He has made see that there is nothing in this world that is secure, even when it seems like there is nothing that could make that something fall. Trust is a huge issue for me and that's why i think this is such a problem in my life...relying on God. I have to trust that when my world crumbles around me God will be the rock I am standing on. Still learning that one...
Another amazing thing happening as a result of getting to know my God better is the freedom I feel. I feel freedom to worship and freedom to make mistakes when I worship. I feel freedom to love those around me and I feel freedom to love God with reckless abandon. When I say that I think of David...don't worry though...I don't even like to dance with my clothes on. But he was so thankful and worshipful (is that a word?) that he took his clothes off and danced through the streets. What in the world?! How was that pleasing to God?! But it was. Because David's heart was bent on praising His God. It doesn't matter how, it matters why. Being able to observe other people in another culture has been such a blessing to me. The way people praise here is so full of spirit and life and freedom. Watching the worship has made me see something lacking in my own worship. It's not an obligation, it's a joy! I can smile and I can dance and I can clap my hands and then raise them in praise. I can dance and I can kneel and I can cry and I can laugh. I am free. God accepts my praise because it's a gift I give with joy. And he accepts my gift because He gave me that gift in the first place.
Right now I'm just sharing my journey. If you don't agree with it or think that I am making mistakes then I am 100 percent sure that you are right. But the difference in my heart now is that I am looking for God's heart, whatever it takes. I say that because my journey is taking me some pretty weird places that I never thought I would be and I would like to share them on here without recieving judgement. I just told Bets that I felt like no one was going to read this and it was fun to just write whatever popped into my head, but right before I was about to share some pretty heavy (for me) things I got the sickening realization that people might actually read this. I would love honestly love some feedback about the things I am about to write, but please know that I'm still a little tender in these areas and I'm searching for the answers. It's probably not a big deal to most of you, but it's still pretty huge for me I guess. At this point I'm thinking fo the DC Talk song "What if I stumble, What if I fall?". I know I will. And I know I'll grow more through stumbling and falling and being caught up in God's arms than I will standing securly in my ignorance.
Ok here it is...I've been thinking a lot about women's roles in the church. I know I know that's a hot one. I think that maybe we have been misinterpreting the Bible some and we're a little stricter than we need to be about the whole "women be silent in the church" thing. I know this is a tough one and I don't have too much to say on it, other than that. I'm questioning it and thinking more and more that God had a whole different plan for his creation and church than the one we have made for ourselves and follow to the letter. I guess it's not just women's roles IN the church, it's bigger than that really. It's the church's role in society in general, cause let's face it...we're not doing the best job loving people like Jesus would. Our churches are not full of the outcasts, if they're full at all. They are full of people who may say they don't have it all together, but really they act like they do. I'm one of those people. I don't tell many people that I've struggled with pornography. Girls aren't supposed to struggle with that...so I hide it. Even now, I want to erase what I just wrote, but then I wouldn't be doing what I'm called as a Christian to do...confess my sins one to...however many read this I guess. Whew. I wasn't planning to write that. Ok, I'm gonna move on before I lose my nerve and erase that.
Another thing that has really been hitting me from all sides is about the first few chapters in Genesis. This one scares me, not because it's faith making or breaking for me...I don't really care if the earth is three kadrillion years old or just thousands. doesn't matter. If God wanted to start the world with a big bang then He did. He is still the creator and it doesn't diminish His power at all. If the Bible isn't talking about 6 literal days I can handle that, but then how much of the Bible is true and literal? Where does the poetry stop and fact begin? And does THAT change my faith? I don't know. This one is tough.
I'm so sorry that I went kinda everywhere here in this first post and that I told my biggest secret on a blog that some of you that I love the most haven't even heard in person. I'm still kinda thinking how ridiculous that is. But...I'm gonna leave it. (I'm convincing myself...)
I love you all. Thanks for listening and not judging...
Here is a link to my Picasa picture site...just click on the picture and then click on "Desarae's Public Gallery" to see the rest. There are a bunch. Please appreciate that each and every picture takes 4 to 5 minutes to upload....
ok soooo I couldn't get the picture to work, but here is a link that hopefully will work...good luck.
http://picasaweb.google.com/desaraejean
The capitals in this blog are wholeheartedly dedicated to the Ankole Mission Team. I love you all.
Well me and Betsy have been here for about four months and I can't believe the time is going that fast. I miss my family and friends so much sometimes that it hurts, but God is taking my hurt and turning it into faith. My faith and love and knowledge of God is growing more everyday I am here. I have always believed in God and I never questioned his existence or even his purpose in my life, but I never knew him. I wish I could put into words what God has become to me in the past few months, but I don't even know where to start. The title of my blog is something that I've wanted to be true for a few years and had become a theme in my life when everything else seemed to be falling apart, but i sure didn't know what that looked like. Express (an amazing a cappella singing group from OVU :) had a song a few years ago and these were the lyrics:
Living Water, would you flow through my pain
Living Water, would you make me whole again
When I have nothing left but God,
I've found God is Enough!
Living Water, Flowing from above
That song still has the ability to make me cry to this day. "when I have nothing left but God, I've found God is enough!" Is that true for you? Is that true for me? I wish it was, but it's something that i still don't have a grasp on. But I believe it is something God has decided I'm ready to begin learning about. He has slowly taken earthly things that were comfortable and secure to me and has made them hard and insecure. He has made see that there is nothing in this world that is secure, even when it seems like there is nothing that could make that something fall. Trust is a huge issue for me and that's why i think this is such a problem in my life...relying on God. I have to trust that when my world crumbles around me God will be the rock I am standing on. Still learning that one...
Another amazing thing happening as a result of getting to know my God better is the freedom I feel. I feel freedom to worship and freedom to make mistakes when I worship. I feel freedom to love those around me and I feel freedom to love God with reckless abandon. When I say that I think of David...don't worry though...I don't even like to dance with my clothes on. But he was so thankful and worshipful (is that a word?) that he took his clothes off and danced through the streets. What in the world?! How was that pleasing to God?! But it was. Because David's heart was bent on praising His God. It doesn't matter how, it matters why. Being able to observe other people in another culture has been such a blessing to me. The way people praise here is so full of spirit and life and freedom. Watching the worship has made me see something lacking in my own worship. It's not an obligation, it's a joy! I can smile and I can dance and I can clap my hands and then raise them in praise. I can dance and I can kneel and I can cry and I can laugh. I am free. God accepts my praise because it's a gift I give with joy. And he accepts my gift because He gave me that gift in the first place.
Right now I'm just sharing my journey. If you don't agree with it or think that I am making mistakes then I am 100 percent sure that you are right. But the difference in my heart now is that I am looking for God's heart, whatever it takes. I say that because my journey is taking me some pretty weird places that I never thought I would be and I would like to share them on here without recieving judgement. I just told Bets that I felt like no one was going to read this and it was fun to just write whatever popped into my head, but right before I was about to share some pretty heavy (for me) things I got the sickening realization that people might actually read this. I would love honestly love some feedback about the things I am about to write, but please know that I'm still a little tender in these areas and I'm searching for the answers. It's probably not a big deal to most of you, but it's still pretty huge for me I guess. At this point I'm thinking fo the DC Talk song "What if I stumble, What if I fall?". I know I will. And I know I'll grow more through stumbling and falling and being caught up in God's arms than I will standing securly in my ignorance.
Ok here it is...I've been thinking a lot about women's roles in the church. I know I know that's a hot one. I think that maybe we have been misinterpreting the Bible some and we're a little stricter than we need to be about the whole "women be silent in the church" thing. I know this is a tough one and I don't have too much to say on it, other than that. I'm questioning it and thinking more and more that God had a whole different plan for his creation and church than the one we have made for ourselves and follow to the letter. I guess it's not just women's roles IN the church, it's bigger than that really. It's the church's role in society in general, cause let's face it...we're not doing the best job loving people like Jesus would. Our churches are not full of the outcasts, if they're full at all. They are full of people who may say they don't have it all together, but really they act like they do. I'm one of those people. I don't tell many people that I've struggled with pornography. Girls aren't supposed to struggle with that...so I hide it. Even now, I want to erase what I just wrote, but then I wouldn't be doing what I'm called as a Christian to do...confess my sins one to...however many read this I guess. Whew. I wasn't planning to write that. Ok, I'm gonna move on before I lose my nerve and erase that.
Another thing that has really been hitting me from all sides is about the first few chapters in Genesis. This one scares me, not because it's faith making or breaking for me...I don't really care if the earth is three kadrillion years old or just thousands. doesn't matter. If God wanted to start the world with a big bang then He did. He is still the creator and it doesn't diminish His power at all. If the Bible isn't talking about 6 literal days I can handle that, but then how much of the Bible is true and literal? Where does the poetry stop and fact begin? And does THAT change my faith? I don't know. This one is tough.
I'm so sorry that I went kinda everywhere here in this first post and that I told my biggest secret on a blog that some of you that I love the most haven't even heard in person. I'm still kinda thinking how ridiculous that is. But...I'm gonna leave it. (I'm convincing myself...)
I love you all. Thanks for listening and not judging...
Here is a link to my Picasa picture site...just click on the picture and then click on "Desarae's Public Gallery" to see the rest. There are a bunch. Please appreciate that each and every picture takes 4 to 5 minutes to upload....
ok soooo I couldn't get the picture to work, but here is a link that hopefully will work...good luck.
http://picasaweb.google.com/desaraejean
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